Friends Without Benefits

For the most part, we’ve chosen to keep our fertility issues relatively private. My hubs would no doubt prefer that we tell just about no one, but I’ve found that I need to share with and receive support from some of my closest girlfriends.

Receiving a diagnosis of infertility is a big deal.  It is painful for both partners and it can be difficult when the only people we have to lean on is each other. We can feel so emotionally drained at times. This can be particularly difficult for my hubs, since I recently moved him a million miles away from all his family and friends. And let’s be honest, guys can be a bit handicapped when it comes to emotionally supporting one another.

We have one couple here that we have become really close with over the year, and we were hoping that we could gain some mutual support from them.  But, we can’t.  And it’s kind of weird. This couple has no interest in having kids and don’t really see the draw for others. In fact, close friends of theirs recently announced their pregnancy and our friend (the guy)’s first response to them was “well, I guess that’s the end of our friendship, then.” To be fair, it was said completely in jest. But, he readily admits that there was some truth to it.

Needless to say, we weren’t keen on sharing our news with them before he relayed this story to us, but now, there’s no way we’ll share it with them.  It’s not that they’re bad people, or that we think our friendship would really end if we got pregnant, but we’re going through some heavy stuff, and the last thing we want is to share with someone who’s going to be wondering, “why bother?” We left their house this morning after a great evening that left us sleeping in the guest room (!), and talked about our disappointment that  we could not share such big news and something that is taking up most of our time and energy right now with our closest friends in Colorado.

Have any of you wanted to share your IVF journey with people you thought just wouldn’t get it? How many people have you chosen to share with?


4 thoughts on “Friends Without Benefits

  1. DH and I nearly got in a fight this morning on our way for retrieval over just this very issue! I have a close circle of friends that I have confided in and most of my family knows (partially on accident). However, DH is very private-almost too private for me to feel like we have adequate support. His sister and her friend are currently living with us, and he hasn’t told them! Now, they both know that we’ve been trying for years, but neither know that they are about to be sharing a home with a hormonal, emotional woman for the next 3 weeks! I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t want to tell too many people, but I don’t want to hide my feelings either

    • Yep, we have those same arguments. It’s tough, because I want to respect his need for privacy and my need for additional support. I kinda wish we had some couple friends who were going through the same thing and totally got it!

  2. My DH is just the same – would much prefer if we told no one, but I do think its important to have support. Its too much of a burden to do it all alone although, now most of my friends know I find it too easy to fall into the trap of ‘going on’ about IF. So maybe it is good to have a couple to be ‘normal’ with and to not get caught up in cycles and drugs talk… or even worse buggies and baby grows… or ‘why don’t you adopt?’!!!

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