Generally, Im a glass-half-empty kind of girl. I always assume the worst, and I’ve certainly done that throughout our journey in trying to conceive.
Since the retrieval, however, I’ve been feeling incredibly hopeful. In fact, I’ve been fantasizing about pregnancy, about telling our families, about our newborn baby. I’ve been thinking about baby names, and nursery colors. And, I’ve loved it. It’s been so fun and gets me so excited and full of smiles.
Sometimes, I have to bring myself back to earth and remind myself that Im not pregnant, that there is a chance I never will be, that I will never conceive naturally and I will be forever dependent on science to help me get there. I remind myself that even if I get pregnant, I may miscarry and all this work will be in vain.
But, unlike my ‘usual’ self that would harp on those facts, of recent, I allow my mind to recognize them as possibilities and then bounce back to the idea that I could be pregnant in a month, carry a perfect, healthy baby to full term, and the hubs and I will welcome our first beloved child into the world. I then begin to stress about the fact that I’m yet to come up with even one boys’ name that I like…
Any pessimist will understand when I say that this positive thinking is scaring the crap out of me. Positive thinking simply sets people up for disappointment, right? I re-read this post and I worry that by putting my hopes and dreams down on paper, I am jinxing myself.
I can’t figure out if it’s better to allow myself to be hopeful and risk being hurt or prepare for the worst and risk being, well, a little less hurt and disappointed.
What about you? Have you allowed yourself to hope and believe or have you protected yourself by expecting the worst?