Warning: This is a pregnancy post. Not a glorious and joyful one per se – more of an update that luckily has a happy ending (so far). I have been struggling with if/when I should share about my pregnancy on this blog. I fear I am being insensitive to those still waiting on their BFP. But, I miss my infertility friends. While I may be pregnant, I am still infertile, still look to this community for love and support, and want to share my journey. I also know that a couple friends actually read this blog once in awhile (which means the world to me!), and I want to be able to share my story with them too. So, here goes:
I am 7wks, 0days today. My emotions are mixed. Mainly I am thrilled that I made it this far and still heard a strong heartbeat at the u/s this morning. It is so exciting to see the flicker, to hear the boom boom, boom boom, but it’s scary too. Once you hear that heartbeat, your fears that one day that beautiful rhythmic sound will no longer be there becomes all the more scary. I still have 5wks to get through before I enter the relative safety of the 2nd trimester. Every day, I am painfully aware of this fact.
The hubs and I find ourselves planning for and talking about the future at times, and then stop, reminding one another that we have a long ways to go, so why bother fantasizing about the future when it’s still so unclear. Our conversations always begin with, “if this pregnancy lasts…” or “if we really end up having this baby…” ….
Don’t get me wrong – I am not complaining. We are sooo incredibly lucky that we are pregnant and that it happened on our first round of IVF. We feel excitement and joy every day.
An update of the last few weeks:
About 2 wks ago, I started seeing brown spotting. I couldn’t tell you how much exactly, since I am using a vaginal suppository that it (disgustingly) and frequently leaking out of me (I’ve developed a new love affair with panty liners!). So, I see brown a lot, but I don’t know how much would actually be showing up if it wasn’t being carried out with this nasty medication. I asked my nurse about it, freaked out as you might imagine, but she said that brown spotting is generally nothing to worry about and is old blood. I tried to relax, but remained on edge – fearful every time I went to the bathroom.
Last Friday, was a terrible day. I suddenly felt a ‘rush’ of something (more than a leak if you get my drift). I hurried to the bathroom and bright red blood filled my panty liner and then the toilet. That was it. I knew it was over. I called my husband to the bathroom and told him simply – “it’s happened. we lost the baby.” We sat there together and cried. We held each other wanting nothing more than to take the other’s pain away. We spent the rest of the evening solemnly sitting around and I took another couple of bloody trips to the bathroom.
I did call the nurse’s hotline at CCRM and was told to not jump to conclusions just yet – that it might be a bleed somewhere. The nurse called in an antibiotic to avoid infection in the event that it was a bleed and set me up for an emergency u/s appt the next day.
But, I knew what I knew. The nurse was wrong. The baby was gone. We went to the appt the next day, prepared for a confirmation of what we already knew. BUT, what we got instead was a beautiful picture of our little Blueberry, the sounds of a strong heartbeat, and a feeling and happiness and relief that is truly indescribeable!!!
Our little one was fine, but I had a subchorionic hemorrage. Basically I had a tear (a large one) in my uterine lining and blood was pooling between the lining and the gestational sac. I was ordered on bedrest because if the bleed get too big, it can completely separate the sac from the uterine wall and cause an m/c. More often than not, however, they heal on their own with some rest.
I have been on bedrest since Saturday. That may sound fun – just laying around, watching movies, relaxing and being waited on by your husband – but it’s NOT. At all! Today (Thurs) is the first day I’ve left the house. I just lay here. And lay here. And lay here. And the hubby? Oh, my poor hubby. He cooks, he cleans, he serves me, he fluffs my pillows, calms me when I get anxious, and even runs a rolling pin up and down my thighs to keep the blood flowing! What a wonderful, incredible, selfless man I have (he’s going to be an amazing father!!!).
So…we went in for an u/s this morning to check the bleed. Our hope was that it was starting to get smaller. What we saw was that it was virtually non-existent! It went from 2 1/2 inches (looked almost the same size as the gestational sac) to a 1/4 inch and hardly noticeable. The nurse was so impressed that she said she plans to use me as an example with future patients when talking about the benefits of taking bedrest seriously!
So, to conclude this ridiculously long post, we are doing great! The baby is growing, measured 7wks today, and had a HR of 124!
I am going to try to relax and enjoy this miracle that is growing inside of me. It’s not going to be easy, but Im going to try…if not for me, then for my baby! 🙂