I injected myself with Lupron this morning. My first injection in 18 months.
Today, we officially begin IVF #2.
I’ve always wanted a happy little family of four. And I’ve wanted my kiddos close in age – about 2 years apart like my brother and me. The clock starts now.
And what a weird start it has been. How totally different from last time…
Last time, we walked into the clinic armed with 500 unanswered questions, filled with fear of being childless forever, anger at our diagnosis, and uncerainty about what was to come. I remember sitting in the waiting room feeling anxious beyond belief; obsessively staring at the couples around us wondering who they were and if their story would fill us with hope or hopelessness. And we were prepared; oh-so prepared. We talked about the process constantly, had medication calendars hanging all over the house, and lived for the next appointment or nurse’s call.
This time around is totally different. We’ve been so relaxed that it’s kind of making us uncomfortable. We went to the first appointment and exuded an air of confidence that was almost obnoxious and which was ridiculous since we could very easily have our hearts broken in a couple weeks. I know it will all start to feel more real as the process goes on – with each shot and each appointment measuring my lining and my levels. It will be an unexpected setback that will really slap the fear back into me, but I surely hope that that doesn’t happen. I can only hope that we will be the lucky ones that have a seamless and successful cycle and transfer, an easy pregnancy, and a healthy baby. I have to hope and believe or else I’ll crubmle into a fearful mess.
I’m going to have faith. I’m going to focus all my energy on remaining positive and forward thinking. I cannot wait to be pregnant again. And the sheer thought of seeing our sweet Toby give his unique kisses – where he nuzzles his forhead into you – to his little sister or brother simply melts my heart and leaves me wanting to do everything in my power to make that day come.
I invite you to come follow me through my journey.