What an obnoxious thing to ask of an infertility community that includes couples who continue to await their first BFP. I’m sorry if this post comes off utterly insensitive to you. But I know there are others out there who are lucky enough to have a little one at home and are either working towards or already have a second on the way. And I am looking to you for some advice and/or words of encouragement…
I am so excited for my transfer Wednesday and so desperately want it to be a successful cycle, an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Yet, I admit that my primary focus is on something entirely different – Toby.
Last time around, this period was all about us. About me. On bedrest, Simon pampered me to no end after the transfer, waiting on me hand and foot, making me hot meals, massaging my legs to keep the blod flowing and keeping me comfortable. Through my first trimester, he was sure to carry the heavy groceries and give me a rest whenever I needed it. But now there is Toby – and everything is changed.
How do you do it with a young toddler at home who runs over to you with wide, bright, beautiful eyes, grasps onto your legs and begs you to pick him up…a million times a day? How am I going to go one hour without lifting him into my arms let alone days, weeks, or months!?
The nurse called today with my transfer instructions and reminded me that the weight limit for lifting is 10lbs. While she acknowledged that that would be impossible with a toddler at home, she encouraged me to do my best, to be ‘mindful’ of my actions, and to sit down with him and let him crawl into my lap whenever possible. Do you know how hard that is going to be? Toby isn’t accustomed to simply sitting with me. He wants to explore the world from my arms – to help me cook, clean, or reach for high tree branches in the backyard. And then, of course, there are the practical things – like dropping off and picking up at daycare. How do you do it?
I don’t want to break my little boy’s heart or make him think that mommy doesn’t love him anymore. But he’s too young to understand any explanation I can offer him.
I don’t mean to complain – I know how lucky I am to have Toby and to have the opportunity to try IVF again…and again after that if this round is unsuccessful. But, I certainly feel the realities of having a young baby at home this time around and how different it will be.
But gosh, I still so so badly want it to work.