Have you guys been following Amy Klein’s journey through infertility and IVF on The New York Time’s Motherlode? Her journey as been a grueling one and she is finally pregnant! Within her recent announcement, her sentiment resonated deeply with me.
“Every time I tell someone I’m pregnant, the first thought that grips my heart in terror is, ‘What if I have to tell them that it didn’t work?'”
Yes, I’m pregnant. I’m so relieved and very excited, but, I’m also filled with so much fear. It’s hard to shake it. Simon and I decide that after our second beta, assuming it was positive, we would let go of our worries and anticipation of the worst and just relish in the fact that we’re pregnant and expecting a baby December 11. I have my moments of elation but they are too often followed by instense anxiety about all that could go wrong.
I’m just going to keep working at it. I am going to continue to encourage myself to simply believe, until that’s the only emotion I feel. We got our dear sweet Toby through this same process. I know that it can work. It has for me and so many of my infertility friends. I’m going to turn myself into a believer and start embracing this incredible gift. I cannot wait to meet my sweet pea in 9 months.
So, here’s a recap:
- Transfer was on Wednesday, March 25th
- 5dp5dt (Monday) – Some cramps or maybe closer to twinges, the same that I felt last time around, come and go. I also feel small pains/cramps on my left and right side.
- 6dp5dt – Some twinges, a few period-like cramps. First HPT at 5:15pm – BFP.
- 7dp5dt – BFP in evening, lighter line.
- 8dp5dt – BFP at 4:30am (yes, I know, but I was freaked about the lighter line). Darker line than day #1, darker than day #2.
- 9dp5dt – BFP – Test as soon as Im home from work. Darkest line so far. Calms me a bit before my blood test the following morning. I feel a heaviness in my abdomen.
- 10dp5dt – HCG – 110. Estrogen and progesterone are double the minimum requirements. No change in meds. I feel period-like cramps.
- 12dp5dt – HCG – 263. (Increase of 130%. Doc wanted over 55%). Thyroid function comes back normal. Continue to feel period-like cramps.
I will continue to have my estrogen/progesterone checked weekly and my first ultrasound is scheduled at 6 1/2 weeks (I’m 4 weeks, 3 days today).
It’s been realllllly hard going through this process with Toby. I bathed Toby for the first time a couple of days ago while Simon stood close-by so that he could get him in and out of the bath and on to and off of the changing table. Today is the first day that I picked him up. It felt so so good, yet also worried me since the nurse continues to advise against lifting anything heavier than 10lbs (Mr. Google can’t seem to tell me why). Our plan is for me to take it easy, to let Simon pick Toby up when he is close-by but to not be so neurotic about it that I never hold him myself. Not only is it unrealistic with daycare drop-offs and pick-ups and the general sharing of parental responsibilities, but I also simply can’t avoid holding, hugging, and cuddling my baby. Especially when he is in tears and needs me. I will be careful, but not at all absent.
The idea that we’ll have a second baby by the end of this year is truly incredible. I feel so lucky and I cannot wait to tell Toby!