Happy Father’s Day to my love.
I felt those familiar tap, tap, taps today. The first few times I figured I was imagining it. I even thought I felt them from time to time shortly after having Toby. Phantom kicks, I think they’re called. But, by this evening when the 1 to 2 taps turned into 10 in a row, I knew it was Poppy I was feeling! I cant wait for them to get stronger, harder, and more frequent.
And yep, we know she’s a little girl! We went ahead with the genetic testing that analyzed the chromosomes and in addition to getting the fantastic news that she’s negative for Downs, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18, we were told that we’re expecting a girl. I’m over the moon excited. I so desperately wanted a girl. My relationship with my mom is wildly dysfunctional and I want to prove to myself that a healthy mother/daughter relationship can exist.
I find the science behind the genetic testing fascinating. Isn’t it incredible that by taking a vial of my blood, they are able to extract both my DNA and that of my growing baby!? They can then separate the two and count and analyze each of her chromosomes. It blows my mind.
I’ll be 15w2d today and I’m feeling pretty good. My anxiety is still my most prominent symptom, but it’s waned just enough that I’m able to function pretty well, to take care of my responsibilites at work and home, and to increasingly find some enjoyment in the little things in life. At the same time, I continue to feel exhausted by the constant fight against the encroaching obsessions and fears that are always in the back of my mind. Good lord anxiety is exhausting…
Aside from that, life is good. Toby is so amazing and is at the greatest age. He laughs when people around him laugh. He smiles when Simon or I enter a room. He’s finding new and creative ways to communicate. He knows what he wants and what he doesn’t. He loves slides. He hates getting in the car seat. He loves playing in his sand table. He hates to be ignored. He loves to be chased. He hates being changed. He love his mommy and daddy and we love him too 🙂
He really deserves his own post…
I don’t know why it takes me so long to write. I’m a shitty blogger. I think about blogging all the time. And then…I think about something else… I think I’ve made blogging more stressful than it needs to be. Instead of simply enjoying the opportunity to put my thoughts on paper, I tend to continuously question whether I have something important enough to say. Usually, I decide I don’t.
I think I need to let that go and just blog. I’ll try to do better.