What a spectacular time in motherhood.
I am 28 weeks and expect to meet my baby girl in less than 3 short months. How incredible is that!? How lucky I am.
But that’s just the icing on the cake. While I wait for her arrival, I spend my days falling deeper and deeper in love with my little man whose been the center of my world for the past 20 months. My god, I really am so lucky.
Toby has hit an exceptional period in his development and he is constantly blowing my mind. He no longer has a bit of baby in him – he’s a full blown toddler and he’s expressing himself in the most wonderful (and let’s be honest, sometimes irritating!) ways. He’s adding more words to his reperatoire every day, he cannot enter the playroom without insisting we stop to to look for Goldbug in Cars and Trucks and Things That Go, he sits on his big boy potty while we read his Potty book, and has muscled his way into the role of sous chef during the preparation of every meal. He laughs, he dances, he loves to run in circles around just about anything. He’s the most exceptional, sensitive, thoughtful, affectionate, brilliant little boy I have ever known. Sometimes I find myself nuzzling and snuggling into him even more than he does to me. I’m totally and completely in love.
And while I soak up every bit of my baby boy, I contemplate what it will be like when we bring his sister home. I’m filled with anxiety about how bringing my daughter home will impact my relationship with my son. I worry that he’ll feel like I’ve abandoned him or that my love for him has waned. I worry that I will feel frustrated when I hear my daughter’s cries calling for me when I’m reading my son a book or cuddling before bed. I worry that I will not have enough time in my day to show them both the amount of love I know that they deserve.
I feel guilty that I do not feel as connected to this pregnancy as I did with my last. I keep being told that that’s totally normal and that a second time expectant mother is bound to wrestle with these fears. But it leaves me feeling guilty – like I am already depriving my daughter of something she deserves before she’s even born. And, for me, the guilt associated with that is magnified by my intense desire to form a healthy bond with my little girl and to show my mother, who has never offered me with unconditional love, that a healthy mother-daughter relationship is in fact possible.
I know these worries will begin to melt away as soon as she is here. I know my heart will expand and make equal space for Poppy as it has for Toby. I know that I will fall in love with her just as I have with Toby. And I know that Toby will be receiving the greatest gift I could ever offer. But right now, I worry.