Dear pregnancy insomnia,
I hate you.
It’s 4:30am here. I finally gave up on sleep, threw some heavy socks and a hoodie on and came downstairs. My tossing and turning has no doubt kept Simon from falling into the deep sleep he so desperately needs so I needed to give him a few, restful hours.
My plan was to give you a thorough update of the past few weeks, but my fingers are going numb by the end of each sentence, requiring 30secs of ‘rest’ to encourage the tingling to cease. So, I may need to make this shorter than I had planned.
We’re 5 days out from our scheduled c-section and I’m agonising over my decision. I wish I knew what the right decision was. What was safest. What would be best for our family. My short 3 minute conversations with the doc are simply not enough. I need to be able to talk out my concerns with someone who can advise me. It’s too late for that to be my doctor and I feel like I’m floating with all questions and few answers. Is making 39wks the cut-off even necessary due to risk of pre-eclampsia? VBAC verse c-section – there are so many unknowns. What I do know is the section will result in a much longer healing process that will have a far greater effect on my ability to care for and play and engage with my ever-active Toby. Overnight, I’ll no longer be able to roll around with him, to hold him and rock him, or lay him in his crib. Far beyond the demands of a new baby, I will be saying ‘no’ to him too often as I recover from major surgery. But, what are the risks of a uterine rupture? What is best for little Poppy? The nurse I saw last week offered to strip my membranes early this week to try to induce natural labor. Is that what I want – what is best? I simply dont know… For me, I worry about developing pre-e again and perhaps losing those first few days to the haze of magnesium. I also worry about a natural labor as I feel ill-prepared at this point since I havent been planning for it. I dont want to labor in bed again so that they can closely monitor me – this time for a rupture. I worry about being the 1 in whatever, again, that doesnt respond to the medication and have to be put under general anesthesia for my c-section which causes me to miss the first hour of my baby’s life and spend the next few in a fog. There are also certainly benefits to going the surgery route – the risks of a rupture are non-existent, for one. And that’s a big one. And the surgery is planned, so we are better able to plan for Toby’s care (my dad is flying in Thursday).
Well, Im no closer to knowing what to do, but I feel better getting my worries down on paper. OF COURSE, as cliche as it is, I really only have one goal in mind – to successfully deliver a healthy, happy baby.
Other than labor concerns, I think we’re as ready as we can be. We both recently realized we don’t remember how to care for a newborn baby – we had read loads of books and blogs to help us prepare last time around. This time – nothing. I hope it all comes back to us…!
As for Toby – as usual, I could dedicate 1, 2, or 3 blog posts to him. He is so incredible and going through such an mind-blowing developmental period. I cant believe how much he understands and the lightening speed of his verbal development. He seems legitimately excited about the baby – patting my belly, excitedly exclaiming “baby!” “soon!” “play!”, making countless visits to her room where he likes to roll around in her crib, and reading books about becoming a big brother.
Even with all my stresses and worries, Im so incredibly excited to meet our little girl, give Toby the gift of a lifetime, and complete my little family with the man I love.