Pregnant, Excited, and Scared

I’m sure you have been wondering where the heck I’ve been! (hmm, I guess that’s a bit presumptuous, huh!?!? haha)

Well, two weeks ago, the hubs and I got the amazing news that we are pregnant! I’ve been MIA since, because I just wasn’t ready to announce.  I knew that if I announced, I would also have to announce a m/c if it occurred. Would I be jinxing myself if I told everyone (all of you) too early!? Those fears kept me from writing anything. But, as the days have gone by, I’ve realized that my relationship with you all is critically important.  You all – my infertility friends – have given me strength throughout this process, and I need you now more than ever…no matter what happens.  I have missed you.

I also have 2 or 3 friends that know about this blog, and since we don’t plan to tell anyone until the 3 month mark, I was hesitant about announcing on here.  So – to you – Jade and Maggie – if you read this, please keep in mind that this is very early on (anything could happen) and we ask that you keep it a SECRET until we formally announce.

When we found out, I was so excited that I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but I soon came back to earth and realized, while a great gift, we are months away from being in the clear. I’m experiencing such a wide range of emotions – I’m fantasizing about baby names and nurseries, about announcing the news to family and friends, and that incredibly amazing day when we bring our baby home. I’m also in constant fear that the next time I go to the bathroom, I’ll see blood, and that the absence of symptoms like nausea and vomiting are an indication that the baby is not really in there. I’m 5 weeks, 2 days today. My first ultrasound is at 6 1/2 weeks.  I like to think that once I ‘see’ confirmation that my baby is really growing in there and that its heartbeat is pumping away, that I will relax a bit.  But I know that I will still be only halfway to the relative safety of the 12 week mark.

This is so so exciting.  And I count myself blessed and ever so lucky.  But I am also scared.  I just want to know that everything will be ok.

So here’s a quick recap:

May 1 – FET Transfer – 1 embie

May 6 – Cramping begins.  Cramps feel different from my usual period cramps.  Can’t explain how, but they do.  Also begin feeling slight twinges on the left and right sides

May 7 – HPT #1 – 2 lines

May 8 – HPT #2 – 2 lines

May 9 – HPT #3 – 2 lines – visibly darker second line

May 10 – Beta #1 – 163 (doc wanted it over 50). Dr. Surrey calls to congratulate us (and warn us it’s a long road ahead) and wishes me a happy upcoming Mother’s Day on Sunday!

May 12 – Beta #2 – 458 (doc wanted it 66% more than the first beta). Nurse asks me to schedule a 6 1/2 week u/s and an 8 1/2 week u/s.  Weekly blood draws are also scheduled for estrogen and progesterone checks.

May 17 – Progesterone level is a 5 (doc wants it to be a 6 or above).  They add an injectionable medication in addition to the Endometrin vaginal suppositories.  This freaks me out.

I know from my own experience in following other’s blogs that a mix of emotions rises when they become pregnant.  I am so happy for them and it makes me feel hopeful for myself, but I can’t help to feel a little sad and ask, ‘why not me?’ I want you to know that I realize that I am incredibly lucky no matter what happens down the line.  I know that many of you are still waiting to see your first BFP and I want you to know that I am still at the sidelines cheering you on, sending babydust your way, and am here as a ‘shoulder to cry on.’ We are all part of a community of infertile women and we will continue to need love and support from one another no matter if we eventually have 5 children or none.